JOKE TIME come post em up

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Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."

Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. Where's the car?"



Wife: "In the swimming pool."

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pmsl

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost." but yet ouch ouch ouch

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LMFAO that was funny

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I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams
but I had a close miss yesterday.

I walked into B&Q at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in orange overalls
asked me if I wanted decking.

Fortunately, I got the first punch in and that was the end of that.

Those less suspecting might not be so lucky.


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Trading Standard Officers have ordered the urgent recall of a defective
product found to be faulty and dangerous.

Over the Christmas and New Year period, tests proved the components in
the product called "Chelsea FC" would fall apart when placed under the
smallest amount of pressure. Consumers first experienced problems last
year, when it was noted the product failed to work properly in Europe.
Complaints were made about it malfunctioning and then emitting a
continuous whining noise - usually in Portuguese. At the time the
complaints were ignored. But when the product started falling apart in
Britain over Christmas, the Trading Standards Authority took action.

A spokesman warned: "We particularly want to stress to parents that,
with Chelsea FC, there is a genuine risk of choking that may end in
tears come May.

Despite assurances from the company behind the product that action was
taken to correct the faulty parts, including abandoning the use of the
highly unpredictable and sub-standard component "Robert Huth",
malfunctions have continued. Consumers have been urged to check the
small print carefully for the words "this product may contain traces of
Shevchenko". If that is the case buyers of the product are urged to put
it back in its box and return immediately. "Shevchenko" has been known
to cause a severe allergic reaction in many consumers, causing them to
shout involuntarily "You useless Ukrainian t**t and "for f*** sake
bring back Carlton Cole".

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Missus wants to take ya shopping...try some of these then! She won't do it again

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping. This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford:


Dear Mrs. Murray,


While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you
and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:


1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.


2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.


3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.


4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone," Code 3" in house wares..... and watched what happened.


5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.


6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.


7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"


8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.


9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the House wares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants
were.


10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.


11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practiced the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.


12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"


13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker assumed the fetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."


And; last, but not least:


14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."


Yours sincerely,


I shall be trying all of those...all in the same shopping trip (However this has made sure me never getting a girl from ukbass )

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How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

......... pick it up and give it a blow job

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mindset raaaaaa

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A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here?", he asks. The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up." The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day."




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Sean Connery was being interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla said: "Sean, if I'm not bein' too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Let's go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun."

So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together. Afterwards, Sean says: "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold ma bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand."

Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay, hun".

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says: "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to..."

"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun."

Cilla complies with the routine. The results are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks: "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer dat much?"

Sean replies: "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a Scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet!"

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The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church. One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.


"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.


"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up !


"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is, has anybody seen MY cock?"

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.


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Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later.

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. "How do you breath through something so small?"

Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.

Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?
A. It doesn't need cleaning.

Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a ''quickie'', only you do it yourself.

Q. What's the definition of trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

Q. Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in?
A. The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!

Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. When his hand caught on fire.

Q. Why can't women read maps?
A. Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile.

Q. Why do horny women order at Subway?
A. Footlongs

Q. If your mother and father have a baby and its not your sister or your brother, who is it?
A. It's you, you fucking idiot!

Q. why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend on the wall?
A. To see her crack

__________________________________________


As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

-------

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

-------

Q. Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A. It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.

Q. What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common?
A. They both swallowed a lot of semen.

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omg nad!!! this should be your topic because you've posted loads and i cant keep up wih you slow down man

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MSN: ez-ladykay@hotmail.co.uk
EMAIL: ladykay@midnightresistance.net

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What's got 8 legs and a big black cunt?

The A-Team