JOKE TIME come post em up

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This guy is in line at the Super Market when he notices a hot blonde
behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is stunned that such a hottie would be waving to him, and although
familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of
one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
"Christ!" he says "are you that stripper at my bachelor party that I had on the pool table in front of all my friends, while your partner whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"


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A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he asks. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You Wanker !!!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?"

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Nancy is outside in her garden, by a hole she's just dug.
Her neighbour Barbara asks "what are you doing Nancy?"

Nancy replies, "I'm burying my pet Goldfish that died"
Barbara says "That's a bit of a big hole for a goldfish"


Nancy says "that's because it's inside your fuckin cat!!"



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This is good,


A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down
and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting
behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is
galvanized when she hears one of the men say the
following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come
together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come
together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I
come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed wop swine," retorted the
lady indignantly. "In this Country, we don't speak aloud
in public places about our sex lives...... "

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin'
abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella
'Mississippi'."




I BET YOU READ THIS AGAIN!!!!


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.

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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when
he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened....






"But by the grace of God, some Vaseline and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

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This woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in,
and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."
The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor?
What's wrong???"
The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby
is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"
The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er...
features...of a male and a female."






The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my God! You mean it has a penis...
...AND a brain

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Only me

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in
their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee
in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the
wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his
coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the
room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we
first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you
remember back then?" he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring,
so sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you
remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair
beside him. The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the
shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will
send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replies softly.










He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten
out today..."


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wots the most intelligent thing to come out of a womans mouth???






Einsteins cock

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how can you tell when a woman is gonna say something intelligent?????




she says "A man once told me"

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DARE TO BE POLITICALLY INCORRECT

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how can you tell when a woman is gonna say something intelligent?????




she says "A man once told me"

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Three men went to hell.

The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"

He then opened the doors to the three rooms.

Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.

Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.

Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in shit up to their knees and drinking coffee.

The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.




They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads."

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fancy a game ov rugby .........................i hear ipswitch r missin 5 hookers

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*(¸.·'´(¸.·' ´*¤*''·.¸)''·.¸) *

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¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•.ShOwIn' LoVe!!!!

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saddam hussain sends his son to go get some curry from the curry shop, so his son is running through the iraqi streets dodging bullets and car bombs ect,

when he returns he hands a empty curry pot over to saddam and saddam says 'wheres all my curry oi?'

his son says 'no Bag-Dad' get it

not actually that funny but its all i can think of