JOKE TIME come post em up

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What causes earthquakes??

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Did you ever stop and wonder...




Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's arse."

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me!!!)

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on...

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?


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1.How many animals can you fit into a pair of tights?
10 Little piggies,
2 Calves,
1 Ass,
1 Pussy,
1 Beaver,
An unknown number of hares,
And one dead fish no one can find.

2.What's a blonde's favourite nursery rhyme?
A. Humpme Dumpme.

3.What is soft and warm when you go to bed , but hard and stiff when you wake up ?
A. Vomit

4.What do you get when you cross a nun with a PC?
A. A computer that will never go down on you.

5.How do you get a nun pregnant?
A. Dress her up as an alter boy.

6.What is the difference between Jurassic Park and IBM?
A. One is a theme park dominated by dinosaurs, the other is a Stephen Spielberg film.

7.What do you call two skunks having a 69?
A. Odour Eaters.

8.How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
A. Phone her.

9.Why does an elephant have four feet?
A. Because six inches isn't long enough.

10.What's the worst thing about being a test-tube baby?
A. You know your dad's a wanker.

11.How do you make a dog drink?
A. Put it in a blender.

12.Why aren't blondes good cattle herder's?
A. Because they can't keep their calves together.

13.What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.

14.What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
A. We really do taste like chicken!

15.How can you tell if a valentine is from a leper?
A. The tongue's still in the envelope.

16.What's the definition of Trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.

17.Why can you only have two doors on a chicken coup?
A: If it had four it would be a chicken sedan.

18.What do you call a fish without an eye ?
A: Fsh.

19.Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
It's not very bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy

some crap one's there i know, my sis emailed em to me



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1. What do you call a chav in a box?
Innit

2. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?
Sorted

3. What do you call a chav in a box with a lock on it?
Safe.

4. What do you call a chav on fire?
Blazin'

5. Why are Chavs like slinkies?
They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.

6. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?
The bride.

7. You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?
It might be your bike.

8. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut?
One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.

9. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night?
What you lookin'at?"

10. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box?
Paint go-faster stripes on it.

11. Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving?
The police

12. What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's?
A liar.

13. What do you say to a chav with a job?
Can I have a Big Mac please.

14. What do you say to a chav in a suit?
Will the defendant please stand

15. What do u call a knife in chav-ville?
Exhibit A

16. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Corsa a shame?
A Corsa seats 5

17. What do you call a 30 year old chavette?
Granny.

18. How many chavs does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, they'll screw anything.

19. What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of a river?
A start.

20. How many chavs does it take to clean a floor?
None,"That's some uvver bleeders job innit."

21. Why did the chav take a shower?
He didn't mean to, he just forgot to close the Corsa's window in the car wash.

22. Why did the Chav cross the road?
To start a fight with a random stranger for no reason whatsoever.

23. What do you call a Chav at college?
The cleaner.

24. Two chavs jump off beachy head, who wins?
Society

_________________
gota make one

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a fisherman caught a gold fish ,and she tells him "if you let me go i'll grant you three wishes"
and he let her go.

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a fisherman caught a golden shark and she tells him "let me go and I will grant you one wish"
and he says "I want my d..k to be so long so it can touch the ground"
and the shark bites of his legs.

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a fisherman caught a golden wale and the wale tells him "let me go and I will grant you three wishes"
and the fisherman tells him "forget the wishes man, I'm taking you to jewlery shop"

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TWO SNOWMAN ARE STANDING NEXT TO EACH OTHER

ONE SNOWMAN SAYS TO THE OTHER

"CAN YOU SMELL CARROTS?"

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There once was a writer named Mark,
Who encountered a cu*t in the dark.
He said, "Now, by thunder,
It's a natural wonder
I declare this a National Park!"

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Old mother Hubbard,
Went to the cupboard,
To get her old dog a bone.
When she bent over,
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own

There was a young sailor from Brighton
Who said to his girl, "You're a tight 'un."
She replied, " 'Pon my soul,
You're in the wrong hole.
There's plenty of room in the right 'un."

hahahha i could post up a million of these but i wont

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There was a deaf couple who decided they needed a way to let each other know when they wanted to have sex. They couldn't use sign language because it was too dark in their bedroom. The deaf women signs to her husband and says, when you want to have sex, just grab my right boob once, when you don't want to have sex, grab my right boob twice. The deaf man agrees and signs back to her and says, when you want to have sex with me, pull on my penis once, when you don't want to have sex with me, pull on my penis 50 times. men

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There once was a writer named Mark,
Who encountered a cu*t in the dark.
He said, "Now, by thunder,
It's a natural wonder
I declare this a National Park!"

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MiNDSET wrote:

What causes earthquakes??

Ha HAHA Hahahaha HHHAaaaa

Lesotto is ripping himself to death

Man where did you get that picture

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What do u call a gay dinosaur?.........

A Mega-sore-arse

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A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!" The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?" The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!" The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know
you're upside down?" "Because the shit is running down my back!"

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Q. Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A. He's all right now.

Q. Where do you find a no legged dog?
A. Right where you left him.

Q. What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?
A. They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes.

Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?
A. Ugly sheep.

Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?
A. Ground beef.

Q. What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A. The taste!

Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
A. About two - if they're thinly sliced.

Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
A. The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Q. Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping?
A. He loved it, but it scared the hell out of his dog.

Q. Why did the leper crash his car?
A. He left his foot on the accelerator.

Q. Why did the Leper go back into the shower?
A. He forgot his Head and Shoulders.

Q. What do you get when a Leper takes a bath?
A. Soup.

Q. Why did the ref call a penalty during the Leper Hockey game?
A. Because there was a face off in the corner.

Q. What is Osama bin Laden's idea of safe sex?
A. Marking the camels that kick.

Q. What should Kabul get for its air defense system?
A. A refund.

Q. What do you do if a bird shits on your car?
A. Don't ask her out again.

Q. Why are women like condoms?
A. They spend 90% of their time in your wallet, and 10% on your dick. (sorry ladies)

please excuse the tasteless nature of my jokes.... im jus warped