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How to piss your bank off , Stixx's style !
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavored to pay my solicitor last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, prerecorded faceless entity which your bank has become,not blaming the Royal Bank of Scotland of course.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate preferably a male as I have a real bad feeling about women and my money hense the reason you will find previously marked payments for my divorce proceedings which embarrsingly were pointed out on my last bank statement. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which requires your chosen employee to complete. I am
sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof as now I can't trust no fucker with my money.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. Press buttons as follows:
1. - To make an appointment to see me.
2. - To query a missing payment.
3. - To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. - To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. - To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. - To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. - To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the authorized contact.
8. - To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. - To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, clownstep will play for the duration.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement which I think is completely above board as you pencil pushing bean counters may summarise it. May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous day
Your Humble Client
Dj Stixx
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